Karoline Leavitt is holding a screaming baby while Rupert Murdoch stands off to the side with a bouquet of roses. Karoline has vampire teeth.
Karoline Leavitt shows off dangerous set of new chompers.

The Press Secretary’s New Secret Weapons

Karoline Leavitt delighted and shocked the public with a new spread in Vanity Fair. The Press Secretary took time out of her busy schedule to share intimate moments with the magazine, from getting glammed up for an afternoon out with her geriatric husband to baking cookies for her all-white book club. She even let the Vanity Fair team tag along to the dentist with her- and it’s all anyone can talk about.

While a visit to the dentist doesn’t sound that exciting, this wasn’t any ordinary appointment. Ms. Leavitt’s dental surgeon, Dr. Jehkul, described it this way: “Karoline came to me wanting something very specific. Originally, she described shark-like teeth- very sharp, and entirely too large for her mouth to be practical. But as she kept talking I realized that what she really wanted was something closer to a komodo dragon.”

The komodo dragon has many serrated, curved and blade-shaped teeth. “They’re also coated in a protective iron, and that’s what inspired the design,” Dr. Jehkul says. ‘The design’ is a set of teeth that can cut through leather. “It’s just her incisors and cuspids- anything more would be overkill.” They’re also coated in Chromium VI, which Dr. Jekuhl says is an upgrade from the more traditional Cobalt-Chromium alloys. “These will last her a lifetime,” he says.

Asked why she would get such an extreme procedure, the press secretary smiled coyly and said that there was nothing she wouldn’t do to safeguard the president. The upper crust are lapping it up. “I think it’s delightful and she’s never looked better,” said Ivanka Trump, the president’s daughter. Nicki Minaj added, “She fierce- love that for her! Rawr!” Rupert Murdoch complimented her loyalty and dedication to the president, adding, “She’s a good girl. If Nicholas isn’t careful, I might snap her up.”

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