Secretary of HHS latest victim of lone star tick

In what some are calling a cruel twist of fate, Robert Kennedy Jr. has been diagnosed with alpha-gal syndrome, an allergy to meat and meat products. The Secretary of Health and Human Services recently returned from a week-long deer hunt, where it’s suspected that he picked up the ticks responsible for the condition. “I felt something around my hole on the second day out- I just thought it was a hemorrhoid,” said the Secretary of HHS. By the time the trip was over, he had five new hemorrhoids. “We eat a lot of raw foods and sometimes drink from the creek- it’s not unusual to pop a vessel every now and then, if you know what I mean. I didn’t think anything of it.”

Mr. Kennedy credits his friend Robert Ritchie, otherwise known as ‘Kid Rock’, with convincing him to see a doctor. “I couldn’t stop scratching and it felt like they were getting bigger, so I asked Rob to take a look. He said they didn’t look like any hemorrhoids he’d ever seen. He convinced me to see someone.” When doctors examined the Health Secretary, they discovered five fully engorged Texas lone star ticks in a ring around his anus. “They were healthy, I can tell you that. They were feeding off me for a week,” the health secretary said. Later, he posted pictures of the ticks on his social media account along with the caption, “Should I keep them?” 

The Secretary of Health and Human Services wasn’t tested for the allergy initially and was left to discover it on his own. “I projectile vomited in public several times,” Mr Kennedy said. Witnesses said Mr. Kennedy was spouting from both ends on these occasions. His wife, Cheryl Hines, is credited with getting Mr. Kennedy to see a specialist after a particularly messy incident at the Kentucky Derby. “The doctors suspected what it was right away and, as luck would have it, I still had the ticks so they could test them as well. Sure enough- I have alpha-gal syndrome,” the health secretary confirmed. 

According to his wife, Mr. Kennedy didn’t accept the diagnosis right away. “He kept trying to eat meat. He’d be okay for a couple of hours and start to think that he was fine, and then his bowels would just let go. He wouldn’t stop trying though. I would walk into a room and he’d be stuffing a piece of liver into his mouth, looking all guilty. Rob enabled it. He brought him every kind of meat- beef, pork, lamb, venison… It always ended with poor Bobby covered in vomit and poop,” Ms. Hines complained. 

Mr. Kennedy hasn’t sworn off meat yet though. “As I understand it, the allergy is to non-catarrhine mammalian meat. I had to look that up but that means non-primate meat. I think I can still eat apes,” he said.

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